Thank you...

I want to say thank you to everyone for the outpouring of kindness and concern about Dakota. I think the biggest thing was that it seemed so sudden. I knew he was sick, we had just started these new meds, the day before Dr. Bill had even said that his heart murmer was sounding better. We talked to him on Thursday about Doggie CPR and if that was an option if Dakota went into cardiac arrest. He explained that it might help him for thirty minutes or a bit longer, but it wouldn't save his life. In other words, it would be more for us than him.

Dakota always slept above the pillows on the bed and Thursday night was no different. He woke me up about 4:30 that morning by lying next to me and I fell back asleep rubbing him. When I heard him jump off the bed at 5:20 I woke up and checked the time to see if it was six yet, the time he and Thrawn got their morning meds each day. It was early so I called him up and that's when I realized he was lying on the ground and not getting back up. I jumped out of bed and turned on the light, but he was already starting to gasp for breath. He laid on his side and it seemed like he tried for a couple minutes, trying to raise his head and get his breath but finally laid his head down and passed peacefully. He appeared to not be in pain for which I'm very grateful. We had a couple hours until Dr. Bill was open so we spent the time with him, holding and petting him. I never thought I would want to do that but I'm very very thankful that we had the opportunity. I'll treasure the time to say goodbye.

As much as I did not want to witness him dying, it was truly a gift that we were able to be with him and I hope it comforted him. I am a coward, I am relieved that it was not a decision I had to make and I know that is horrible to say.

I just wasn't prepared at all even though I knew he was sick. I know this sounds morbid, but I guess in my head I always thought something would happen to Thrawn first with all of his health problems through the years. That would somehow be more expected, but definitely as painful. It was just one of those things that was supposed to happen "later", you know? With these new meds I really believed he would make it through the year, that we would have another Christmas with him. I realize now that it was selfish of me to wish for. When I'm honest with myself I know that he was having a hard time, even with the medications.

Dakota loved life, his favorite things were playing and swimming. He LOVED to swim. With his health the way it was he wouldn't have been able to swim this summer, there was no way. He couldn't really go for walks because of his heart rate and lack of breath. He didn't wrestle much with Tucker anymore, when he barked much he would start coughing and would have to stop. I know in my heart that this was probably the best thing for him but it's hard to mentally accept. I want to cry tears of happiness that he was in my life and that I hopefully provided him with a life that he loved, not tears of sadness that he's gone.

It feels so strange when it's pill time for him not to be sitting there waiting for his marshmallow...especially in the morning after potty break he'd always run right in and sit next to the medicine area. The little things - like taking four treats out instead of five; taking a bath and he's not guarding the door, getting in bed last night and automatically lying down with a foot empty above the pillow so he could lie there and putting my hand up to hold his paw like I did every night. It hurts.

Tucker was a small puppy when I adopted him and Dakota was already a year old. He has never been without him...even the days that Dakota would go to the vet without him caused Tucker anxiety. Once Dakota had passed we brought each of the pack into the bedroom to see him. I don't know what the "protocol" is for this situation, but I didn't want him to just disappear from their lives. I guess it maybe makes no sense. Tucker stayed in the room for close to an hour, lying by us next to Dakota. He would sometimes paw at him, push at his ear with his nose. I know he knew, I don't care what people say about dogs not understanding things. He seems so depressed now and very clingy. Dot and Sam seem "off" too. Thrawn is hard to read, but I think he knows. I'm very, very worried about Tucker. Dot and Sam are kind of a team, Thrawn is a loner and now Tucker is just alone.

Dakota can never, ever be replaced and I don't know what the future holds for a future pack member. I do deeply believe that when one has the ability and situation to help an animal in need then they should. A part of me feels horribly guilty for even thinking about it but another part of me looks at these angels lying here and knows just how important rescue is. I think I'll just know when it's the right time and the right situation. Sooner or later, I don't know.

The dog blog community has really amazed me the past couple days, the comments and emails have helped me tremendously. I'm behind in replying to mails and I apologize, but I will. Several dogs have put memorials to Dakota on their blogs and I can't tell you how nice that is to see. If there is ever anything I can do for any of you please don't hesitate to ask. You have become an extended family, I enjoy reading everyday. Give them an extra kiss, an extra hug from the Brats and I. Treasure every single moment they are in your life because it's truly a gift.

With deep gratitude,

Maryann